Throughout my life I joked about having an addiction to chocolate, the need was so strong I just thought it was just something every child felt. However, after trying to overcome my "chocolate addiction", I realize that if this is not something that is taken seriously, it should be. Yes, it's only chocolate, but there are serious repercussions of eating chocolate every day; not just a tiny taste, the WHOLE enchilada. After never trying to cut back my chocolate intake or even consciously realizing how much chocolate I truly ate; and trying to stop cold turkey was one of the hardest I have ever done. And I gave birth more than once!
The past couple of years have been trying and my need for chocolate escaladed, to the point where I would eat a whole bag of whatever before the day was done. I continued in a downward spiral, gaining more weight than I could afford. This past spring I decided to try and cut out chocolate once and for all. Within a couple hours of my first day, I felt as if I was going through withdraw. My mind was telling me I need anything chocolate, I started to feel sick to my stomach and my body just felt blah. I am sure it was my imagination creating the symptoms because deep in my subconscious I needed chocolate to make me feel better, even if only for a little while.
I beat myself up all the time and somehow I never feel better. The only thing was there for me as a child was chocolate or some other junk food, so I carried this into adulthood. As a child, I never felt like I was able to talk to anyone about my feelings and I had so many. I carried around the bullying I went through on a daily basis from the end of second grade until I decided to change schools for sixth grade. I needed to escape and I found a way. Unfortunately, it continued with the new students because they knew my mother from the school they went to. Some befriended me because of her, but most didn't like me because of her. I was alright with that, I was just happy it wasn't the same torture I went through at my old school. I never told anyone because I thought what was the point, if something is said or done, my life would only probably become harder. The kids stick together and gang up on others, so I kept everything inside. Not even telling a member of my family what I went through. So for high school I went to a vocational school where I knew only a few people from town would end up.
When someone upset in my family, I could not tell anyone. I tried that and as soon as I was alone with the person that upset me, I got my ass chewed out and was made to believe I was the asshole in the situation. My own mother was pissed off at me for telling my grandmother how upset I was because I thought she didn't like my aunt from the things I heard her say. I was only nine years old and my aunt was like another mom to me; it hurt so much when I heard the mean things being said about my aunt. I think that was the day I had to realize my mother was not everything I thought she was and she definitely decided to exclude me more from her life after that.
Needless to say, I learned to keep everything bottled up and hide my emotions from everyone. Chocolate was my therapist and the arms that held me close, in tight hugs. It soothed my soul and comforted me in a way I needed, even though I was gaining more weight, I didn't care. Chocolate made me feel better. When I was sad, lonely, upset, happy, or wanting to celebrate, I didn't reach out to people, I reached out to chocolate. Maybe it was because I knew there was no way chocolate could let me down, I don't know.
I know that what I made chocolate to be in my life is not what any kind of food should be anyone's life. For 16 years, my husband has tried to be that person in my life, there for me if I needed to talk and even after all this time, it's hard to open my mouth and allow my thoughts and emotions flow. My defense mechanism of shutting down and not showing emotions is still standing strong, although it seems to be wavering a bit. I'm sure my husband is glad about that.
I find it so hard to tell someone how I feel, I guess because I am afraid of what they will say. I have so much built up inside, that it is truly too much. I wish my parents were there for me, I wish I was stronger as a child and didn't allow what the boys in my classes said effect me the way it did. I wish I could be free of the hurt and pain I wen through as a child. I wish I was free from the little voice my head telling me I'm not beautiful. However, I know I have to suck it up and move along..... The one thing I can do is make sure my children are able to come to me with anything and everything.
So now I leave you with this.....
Think about what you say before the words fly out of your mouth. The saying, "Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me," is so far from the truth that it's not funny. Words don't physically hurt, they run deep and slash our souls to where we will never be whole again. Remember bones heal and are as good as new eventually. Our mind will not forget things that traumatize us and we live our lives remembering was said and done.
It is a kind of hurt I would not want for anyone and always wonder... Why me, why did I have to go through this experience feeling alone?
I know that what I made chocolate to be in my life is not what any kind of food should be anyone's life. For 16 years, my husband has tried to be that person in my life, there for me if I needed to talk and even after all this time, it's hard to open my mouth and allow my thoughts and emotions flow. My defense mechanism of shutting down and not showing emotions is still standing strong, although it seems to be wavering a bit. I'm sure my husband is glad about that.
I find it so hard to tell someone how I feel, I guess because I am afraid of what they will say. I have so much built up inside, that it is truly too much. I wish my parents were there for me, I wish I was stronger as a child and didn't allow what the boys in my classes said effect me the way it did. I wish I could be free of the hurt and pain I wen through as a child. I wish I was free from the little voice my head telling me I'm not beautiful. However, I know I have to suck it up and move along..... The one thing I can do is make sure my children are able to come to me with anything and everything.
So now I leave you with this.....
Think about what you say before the words fly out of your mouth. The saying, "Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me," is so far from the truth that it's not funny. Words don't physically hurt, they run deep and slash our souls to where we will never be whole again. Remember bones heal and are as good as new eventually. Our mind will not forget things that traumatize us and we live our lives remembering was said and done.
It is a kind of hurt I would not want for anyone and always wonder... Why me, why did I have to go through this experience feeling alone?
