First my father was not there in my life, he was always there for other kids, but not me. I never thought anything of this, even then I had my grandfather who was the greatest father figure anyone could ask for. He was my hero and was the first man in my life who made me feel so loved and protected (the other being my husband). I never felt the need to evaluate my father's absence in my life because of my grandfather. My father would try every now and then, but I have two theories; either he had no idea how to interact with me because he really did not know me or he knew I was better off without him as a permanent figure in my life. When I thought of these theories it was right after he passed away and I found his room filled with nothing but pictures of me. I was pregnant and this hit me really hard. I never realized that my father may have loved me until that moment.
The second time of feeling rejected was when my mother started seeing my now stepfather. One day I was introduced to him as a friend and then a month or two later she was pregnant and I was suppose to move into a house with them. I was 11! Really? And of course as any other 11 year old would, I placed all the blame and took out all my frustrations will my stepfather. After years of remembering events that happened when I was a child with my mother, I have come to realize that it was not my stepfather that rejected me. I could go through all the extremely embarrassing and to me traumatizing moments, but then I don't want anyone to think I am throwing myself a pity party.
The point to this post is that I could have turned out to be a horrible asset to society, could have ended up as a druggie, alcoholic, or anything in between. Fortunately for me, I was surrounded by so much love, I had my grandfather and grandmother, my aunts, uncles, and cousins; that I never felt as if something was missing or I was losing out on something.
One thing I do remember is thinking that my stepfather must have really didn't like me and brainwashed my mother into thinking they should start a family that did not include me. That was the way I seen it for a very long time and now believe I had it backwards. I may be wrong, but this is how I feel and I gave my mother umpteen times to help me understand things better. Unfortunately whenever I tried to express the way I felt she didn't want to hear about my feelings and how I seen things from the past. She wanted to wipe the slate clean and start over, with a friend or stranger that may work, but with a daughter you would think she would want to right the wrongs.
Sorry, off track..... So my grandmother was the first person that planted the seed in my mind. She said when I was graduating high school how proud of me she is and she is so thankful and grateful for the way I turned out because I could have very easily turned out so very different. I placed that comment in a file way back on a shelf in the attic and forgot about this until I was pregnant with my first child. At that time I had a better relationship with my stepfather and started to evaluate the mother I wanted to be.
During this evaluation I realized that I made my mother my world when I was a child, instead of her making me her world. That's what a parent is suppose to do, right? Their children are suppose to be their world, not them being their child's world. For the longest time, no matter how she made me feel, I could not express how I felt. She always said that I could go to her with anything, but I never felt I could. So I kept everything bottled up inside, I guess this is where the person I am today began to form.
I was always the ass of her jokes around her friends and even her cousins, add that to being bullied in school for being overweight; you would think I would have committed suicide a long time ago. Actually, I remember contemplating killing myself when I was 12, and did not stop thinking about it until I was 16.
Wow, this is a lot more deeper than I expected, but I feel better. I understand that my emotional eating did not only stem from the kids in my neighborhood, but it actually probably started at home. My mother and father, whether I felt it at the time, my subconscious was no doubt aware of the fact I was neglected.
As I look back, the love I received and flourished from was the love of my extended family, grandparents, aunts, and uncles. I am who I am today because of the trials and tribulations throughout my life, some people may think it's puppy shit, but I can see where my grandmother is proud of the road I decided to take. I ended up traveling the road less traveled, I became my own person. Not a product of my parents, well to an extent anyway.
So, as I continue to ponder this bit I will end with this.....
There are many people throughout your life that will think they know what is best for you, but the truth is you are the only one that truly knows what is best. Learn to love you for who and what you are and know. If you cannot yourself, how is anyone else going to be capable of loving you?
As I look back, the love I received and flourished from was the love of my extended family, grandparents, aunts, and uncles. I am who I am today because of the trials and tribulations throughout my life, some people may think it's puppy shit, but I can see where my grandmother is proud of the road I decided to take. I ended up traveling the road less traveled, I became my own person. Not a product of my parents, well to an extent anyway.
So, as I continue to ponder this bit I will end with this.....
There are many people throughout your life that will think they know what is best for you, but the truth is you are the only one that truly knows what is best. Learn to love you for who and what you are and know. If you cannot yourself, how is anyone else going to be capable of loving you?
