Time heals all wounds.....

My fucking ass. Whoever came up with that shit hole of a saying never lived through anything tragic or heartbreaking or just wronged in any way. I have tried and encouraged time to heal my wounds, every single one of them, but they didn't heal, they repressed. Buried so deep inside, you think your wounds are now just scars that only carry a vague memory if the scar is seen. But instead when something triggers that memory, the wound bleeds as if it's a fresh flesh wound. The difference with internal wounds is you cannot just apply pressure and the bleeding stops. I still haven't found a technique to help the bleeding stop once it starts, I wish I could.

There is so much that is repressed that I'm not even sure which wound bleeds and which are possibly scars now.  I try on a daily basis to keep shit out of my head, shit that brings memories forward and shit I just don't have time to deal with anymore.

My addiction to chocolate and relationship I formed.....

       Throughout my life I joked about having an addiction to chocolate, the need was so strong I just thought it was just something every child felt.  However, after trying to overcome my "chocolate addiction", I realize that if this is not something that is taken seriously, it should be.  Yes, it's only chocolate, but there are serious repercussions of eating chocolate every day; not just a tiny taste, the WHOLE enchilada.  After never trying to cut back my chocolate intake or even consciously realizing how much chocolate I truly ate; and trying to stop cold turkey was one of the hardest I have ever done. And I gave birth more than once! 

   

       The past couple of years have been trying and my need for chocolate escaladed, to the point where I would eat a whole bag of whatever before the day was done.  I continued in a downward spiral, gaining more weight than I could afford.  This past spring I decided to try and cut out chocolate once and for all.  Within a couple hours of my first day, I felt as if I was going through withdraw.  My mind was telling me I need anything chocolate, I started to feel sick to my stomach and my body just felt blah.  I am sure it was my imagination creating the symptoms because deep in my subconscious I needed chocolate to make me feel better, even if only for a little while.

 

      I beat myself up all the time and somehow I never feel better.  The only thing was there for me as a child was chocolate or some other junk food, so I carried this into adulthood.  As a child, I never felt like I was able to talk to anyone about my feelings and I had so many.  I carried around the bullying I went through on a daily basis from the end of second grade until I decided to change schools for sixth grade.  I needed to escape and I found a way.  Unfortunately, it continued with the new students because they knew my mother from the school they went to.  Some befriended me because of her, but most didn't like me because of her.  I was alright with that, I was just happy it wasn't the same torture I went through at my old school.  I never told anyone because I thought what was the point, if something is said or done, my life would only probably become harder.  The kids stick together and gang up on others, so I kept everything inside.  Not even telling a member of my family what I went through.  So for high school I went to a vocational school where I knew only a few people from town would end up. 

 

       When someone upset in my family, I could not tell anyone.  I tried that and as soon as I was alone with the person that upset me, I got my ass chewed out and was made to believe I was the asshole in the situation.  My own mother was pissed off at me for telling my grandmother how upset I was because I thought she didn't like my aunt from the things I heard her say.  I was only nine years old and my aunt was like another mom to me; it hurt so much when I heard the mean things being said about my aunt.  I think that was the day I had to realize my mother was not everything I thought she was and she definitely decided to exclude me more from her life after that.  

 

       Needless to say, I learned to keep everything bottled up and hide my emotions from everyone.  Chocolate was my therapist and the arms that held me close, in tight hugs.  It soothed my soul and comforted me in a way I needed, even though I was gaining more weight, I didn't care. Chocolate made me feel better.  When I was sad, lonely, upset, happy, or wanting to celebrate, I didn't reach out to people, I reached out to chocolate.  Maybe it was because I knew there was no way chocolate could let me down, I don't know.

       I know that what I made chocolate to be in my life is not what any kind of food should be anyone's life.  For 16 years, my husband has tried to be that person in my life, there for me if I needed to talk and even after all this time, it's hard to open my mouth and allow my thoughts and emotions flow.  My defense mechanism of shutting down and not showing emotions is still standing strong, although it seems to be wavering a bit.  I'm sure my husband is glad about that.

     I find it so hard to tell someone how I feel, I guess because I am afraid of what they will say.  I have so much built up inside, that it is truly too much.  I wish my parents were there for me, I wish I was stronger as a child and didn't allow what the boys in my classes said effect me the way it did.  I wish I could be free of the hurt and pain I wen through as a child.  I wish I was free from the little voice my head telling me I'm not beautiful.  However, I know I have to suck it up and move along..... The one thing I can do is make sure my children are able to come to me with anything and everything.

       So now I leave you with this.....
Think about what you say before the words fly out of your mouth.  The saying, "Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me," is so far from the truth that it's not funny.  Words don't physically hurt, they run deep and slash our souls to where we will never be whole again.  Remember bones heal and are as good as new eventually.  Our mind will not forget things that traumatize us and we live our lives remembering was said and done. 

It is a kind of hurt I would not want for anyone and always wonder... Why me, why did I have to go through this experience feeling alone? 

Love.....

       To find that one true someone that loves you with all their being, just as you love them, is an experience like nothing else in the world.  Does it really matter if the one that loves you like this is a person of the same sex?  How can a book, family, or a stranger try to tell you who you can and cannot love?  Why would your family try to waiver you from being your true self? 
 

       I do not understand why so many people are worried about who is marrying who, why the hell should they even care?!  It is no one's business, but the two people that found their love of a lifetime.  So what if the couple is an interracial couple or if they are a same sex couple, what matters at the end of the day is they understand that loving someone is to love them for everything they are.  You cannot love only the good in someone, you have to love the whole person, the good and the not so good.  Because it's not only the good that makes him or her the person they truly are. 

       I love my husband, for everything he is and I still wonder how I was so lucky to have him choose me.  He is not a perfect person, but neither am I.  But you know what? We ARE perfect for one another.  We do look like an odd couple, he's over six feet tall and I am barely 5'4", he's outgoing and open, while I am quiet and closed-up.  He is lean and I am "fluffy" ;)  People tend to look at us oddly, but the ones that are close to us understand that we are a perfect fit.  We have a crazy way of complementing each other and our banter can been viewed as downright horrifying. LOL But that is us and who we are.  If someone does not like it, they can kiss my grits!!

       I just wish society can open its eyes and see the amazing thing called love it is missing out on by being judgmental and prejudice.  Some homosexuals are not affected by society (or try not to be), while others are deeply affected by what others think.  This saddens me because they will never be able to live life the way they are suppose to and experience amazing opportunities because of society.  I don't care if people think homosexuality is a choice, do you honestly think people would choose to live in this world the way they are judged and condemned, if they had a choice in the matter?! I seriously doubt anyone would choose such a hardship.  Yes, I said hardship, not because I think love (no matter whom you fall in love with) is the hardship.  The hardship I am speaking of is the close-minded people that think they have the right to judge.  So many people tend to worry about what everyone else is doing, that they tend to forget they are not God.  Just because you are a Christian, does not give you the right to involve yourself in everyone's lives.  And if you are a true Christian, you would know you have NO right to pass judgment..... That is reserved for only God.

       Love is an amazing gift, whether you believe this gift is from God or not.  To be loved by a person who is not family, but will become your family and your everything is the most wonderful and amazing experience anyone will have.  To have that one person in life who knows your flaws, but is still there at the end of the day, every day to tell you how beautiful you are and that no matter what you do he or she is proud to love you; this is something almost everyone searches for, but only a few will find.  

      
       So I will leave you with this..... How can anyone condone love?  Love is such a beautiful thing, when you think of love it brings a smile to your face and memories front and center.  Why can't everyone enjoy those smiles and memories?  Why are some allowed to enjoy and share their love openly, while others have to hide behind closed doors? It's cruel, uncalled for, and decreases my hope of a beautiful future for my children. 

REALLY.....

  I seen on Facebook like yesterday that at a FAMILY event in Chicago, Ill. Trojan will be giving away vibrators!! Are you freaking kidding me? At a family event, it would be different it the was titled as an adult event.  Then the parents that tae their kids there are morons. LOL
  For Trojan to have them displayed on a cart  and a sign that says Free Vibrator Giveaway Today is unnecessary and totally irresponsible for the corporation.  What about the parents choice of the appropriate time and place to educated their children about sex? And what if they don't want their 13 year old to learn what a dildo is at this time?! (Yes they are still out there, I have one)  I don't understand why adults thinks things like this are okay and I do not like the way the future of our country (well human race actually) is headed.  Does no one have any dignity and self-respect anymore? Am I a prude because I prefer not to talk about my sexual relations to people?  I understand times change and people change, but why does that have to involve the innocence of our children?! Why allow society to take the one thing we try to preserve until the very last day it's in our control because they can?  Where is our right to take our children to family events without the threat of exposing our children to adult material?  Why do we have to adjust our way of life so corporations are advertise whatever the hell they want? 
  I just don't find this fair to the parents that work hard in preserving the innocence of their children and wanting to educate them on their own terms! We cannot allow society to dictate to us when and where our children will be exposed to material that I not age appropriate.  The parents have the choice, not society.
  My children ask me questions and I do not lie to them, but I do answer with an explanation that is age appropriate and guess what?!! They understand what I told them, are totally satisfied with my answer, and move on or have a follow up question ;)  The information may not be what some would like us to tell our children, but the thing is they are ours, not theirs.  If they want to give a child false information and mislead them because they think it's best, then by all means go have your own child!
 
Until next time I leave you with this..... Fitting in is not the way to live your life, being your own person is the way to go. Help your child become the best version of his or herself, not a replication of someone else. 

It's been a while.....

  Since I have wrote anything about anything, so I figured I would see what I can come up with this morning.  I have been working on accepting me for me and trying hard not to let things bring me down.  I still don't have a grasp on my emotional eating, but I am trying new techniques to avoid this horrific habit. 
  One thing I have recently started was eliminating all junk food from my diet.  The only thing "junk foody" I have eaten in the past month is birthday cake and that was a tiny piece.  You have no idea how big of a deal this is for me, to have junk food as a staple throughout my life and now to not touch any of it.  I still buy snacks for my family and it was hard in the beginning, but now I find it's not so bad. 
  Another thing I started to do is C25K (couch to 5K) the same time I stopped junk food eating.  I ended up totally skipping a whole week, so instead of being on week 4, I am on week 3.  But hey, I haven't given up!!! Which is a total accomplishment in itself for me, I always end up giving up after a week or two.  I found that the jogging/running is a key to me not wanting junk food.  This actually makes me feel good inside, my depression has even decreased to the level where I stopped taking my medicine.  I hate having to depend on medication, it makes me feel as if I have no control over my life.  I do this routine three times a week and the other days I will jog for about 10 minutes, then do cardio and strengthening exercises for 20 minutes.
  I still don't understand where the emotional eating began, but I have decided to not dwell on the past and just focus my time and energy on the future.  I have so much to be thankful for and so many people that love and believe in me.  So, why can't I believe in myself?  That's what I am trying to do, believing in myself is something that is alien to me.  It's something I am trying to do, even if it's by taking baby steps. 
  As I am not sure what to write, I will end on tis note.....  Everyone thinks they know what is best for you, but the truth is the only person that truly knows is you.  Take the time to understand who you are and learn to accept and love you for you.  Because if you can't love yourself, then who will?

Trying to better understand me and my emotional eating.....

     It's hard to wrap my head around things sometimes.  So many trials and tribulations throughout my life, I wonder how I did not turn out differently than I did.  If I was a glass is half empty kind of person, I could easily see myself as a rejected and neglected child.  First by my father and then by my mother, and then even my peers.  If anyone knew half of the things that I experienced  I am sure they would wonder why I was not a crack whore or alcoholic.  

     First my father was not there in my life, he was always there for other kids, but not me.  I never thought anything of this, even then I had my grandfather who was the greatest father figure anyone could ask for.  He was my hero and was the first man in my life who made me feel so loved and protected (the other being my husband).  I never felt the need to evaluate my father's absence in my life because of my grandfather.  My father would try every now and then, but I have two theories; either he had no idea how to interact with me because he really did not know me or he knew I was better off without him as a permanent figure in my life.  When I thought of these theories  it was right after he passed away and I found his room filled with nothing but pictures of me.  I was pregnant and this hit me really hard.  I never realized that my father may have loved me until that moment. 

     The second time of feeling rejected was when my mother started seeing my now stepfather.  One day I was introduced to him as a friend and then a month or two later she was pregnant and I was suppose to move into a house with them.  I was 11! Really? And of course as any other 11 year old would, I placed all the blame and took out all my frustrations will my stepfather.  After years of remembering events that happened when I was a child with my mother, I have come to realize that it was not my stepfather that rejected me.  I could go through all the extremely embarrassing and to me traumatizing moments, but then I don't want anyone to think I am throwing myself a pity party.  

     The point to this post is that I could have turned out to be a horrible asset to society, could have ended up as a druggie, alcoholic, or anything in between.  Fortunately for me, I was surrounded by so much love, I had my grandfather and grandmother, my aunts, uncles, and cousins; that I never felt as if something was missing or I was losing out on something.  

     One thing I do remember is thinking that my stepfather must have really didn't like me and brainwashed my mother into thinking they should start a family that did not include me.  That was the way I seen it for a very long time and now believe I had it backwards.  I may be wrong, but this is how I feel and I gave my mother umpteen times to help me understand things better.  Unfortunately whenever I tried to express the way I felt she didn't want to hear about my feelings and how I seen things from the past.  She wanted to wipe the slate clean and start over, with a friend or stranger that may work, but with a daughter you would think she would want to right the wrongs.  

     Sorry, off track.....  So my grandmother was the first person that planted the seed in my mind. She said when I was graduating high school how proud of me she is and she is so thankful and grateful for the way I turned out because I could have very easily turned out so very different.  I placed that comment in a file way back on a shelf in the attic and forgot about this until I was pregnant with my first child.  At that time I had a better relationship with my stepfather and started to evaluate the mother I wanted to be.  

     During this evaluation  I realized that I made my mother my world when I was a child, instead of her making me her world.  That's what a parent is suppose to do, right?  Their children are suppose to be their world, not them being their child's world.  For the longest time, no matter how she made me feel, I could not express how I felt.  She always said that I could go to her with anything, but I never felt I could.  So I kept everything bottled up inside, I guess this is where the person I am today began to form.  

     I was always the ass of her jokes around her friends and even her cousins, add that to being bullied in school for being overweight; you would think I would have committed suicide a long time ago.  Actually, I remember contemplating killing myself when I was 12, and did not stop thinking about it until I was 16.  

     Wow, this is a lot more deeper than I expected, but I feel better.  I understand that my emotional eating did not only stem from the kids in my neighborhood, but it actually probably started at home.  My mother and father, whether I felt it at the time, my subconscious was no doubt aware of the fact I was neglected.  

     As I look back, the love I received and flourished from was the love of my extended family, grandparents, aunts, and uncles.  I am who I am today because of the trials and tribulations throughout my life, some people may think it's puppy shit, but I can see where my grandmother is proud of the road I decided to take.  I ended up traveling the road less traveled, I became my own person.  Not a product of my parents, well to an extent anyway.  

     So, as I continue to ponder this bit I will end with this.....
There are many people throughout your life that will think they know what is best for you, but the truth is you are the only one that truly knows what is best.  Learn to love you for who and what you are and know.  If you cannot yourself, how is anyone else going to be capable of loving you?

Would you ever.....

         Have you ever been asked, "Would you ever....." and have a totally ridiculous, off the freaking wall shit said to you?  Yup, been there, done that, and I cannot stand when a person asks me, "Would you ever..... with a totally freaked up thing ending the question.  Usually I can play along, okay not really.  I am like are you freaking kidding me?!!  What the hell is wrong with your mind that you can actually think something like this up?! Don't get me wrong I am not a stick in the mud kind of person, but everyone has their limits, don't they?   I don't know, maybe I am the one that has a screw loose.
          I do know though that I would never sleep with a person for any set amount of money ( I am not a prostitute) nor would I ever eat an insect (unless for survival purposes only) and whatever crazy things I have been asked and said no to.  I will however take time away from doing something I know has to be done, to do something that I just feel like doing at that point in time.  Does that make me a procrastinator or a person with my priorities bassackwards?  Not sure here, but I do know I like to do things I enjoy and when I am told I have to do something by a certain day or time, I wait until last minute to get it done.  Okay so it seems I have an authority problem.  Well I guess I will have to think about that and analysis why I have an authority problem.  Maybe it is not really that, but maybe it is some crazy little voice telling me to do this and that before I do the things that have a time frame   Maybe I like to do what i am told to (hence like having authority over me), but the main authority figure I totally and 100% listen to is the little guy in the far corner of my mind.  

I said this is going to be personal to randomness..... and everything in between ;)  
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